What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
