You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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