i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
