This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
