So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
