Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
