"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
