Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
