I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
