I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
