Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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