So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
