I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
