My cat gives me a boner
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
