Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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