So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize