Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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