If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
