this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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