My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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