dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
