He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
