I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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