You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
