You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize