if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
