My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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