bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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