you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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