I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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