There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
