the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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