naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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