Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
