guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
