I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
