Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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