nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
