I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize