i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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