Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
