the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
