if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
