Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we're making bets on your personal life
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
