Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
