Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize