your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
