take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
