Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
