my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
