i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
