Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Randomize
