when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
