girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
