toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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