I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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