GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize