...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
