Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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