Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
