I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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